"There isn't enough room in your anus because of all the poop."
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
I’ve been sick since Wednesday morning, so I’ve just been lying around, taking medicine and playing Ni No Kuni.
I just got to the part where a character makes a Spice Girls reference, and I got really excited about it and cough-sneezed, which dislodged a giant wad of phlegm from inside my chest and sent it flying across the room.
Is tequila a cough suppressant? Nasal decongestant? I can’t take anymore medicine tonight, and I need something to help me cope with how gross I feel right now.
Me: *exercises for fifteen minutes*
Me: *runs to the kitchen to eat four Pop-Tarts without toasting them*
On Saturday, Pablo randomly started singing “Our God is an Awesome God” and I’ve spent the last two days trying to dislodge it from my brain.
Turns out “Push It” by Static X did the trick. It came up on shuffle and I’ve been hearing it on repeat in my head.
…
…
♫ …Our god is an awesome DAMMIT ♫
I don’t know why I do things like this to other people.
No where, now. I quit and my last day was yesterday. Feels good. Thanks for asking :)
I’ve had to deal with way too many white women wearing sombreros who think it’s cool to talk in a bad Mexican accent because they’re drunk and it’s Cinco De Mayo weekend.
These older people sitting next to me are, like, shitting their pants in ecstasy over their burritos.
“Oh my GOD. It’s so much better! Mmphh-mmpph-mmph.”
—“I KNOW. You can really taste the difference. Mmmmmmmphh.”
Calm down. It’s just Chipotle.
Do I let him talk to me this way because he’s sort of cute, or is he sort of cute because he talks to me this way?
Sort of cute coworker: “Pablo!”
Me: “What.”
Sort of cute coworker: “Buddy!”
Me: “Whaaat.”
Sort of cute coworker: “Do you need this?”
Sort of cute coworker: *points to thing I need*
Me: “Yes. And I don’t have any extra, so don’t take it.”
Sort of cute coworker: “Oh, I have extra. EXTRA DICK YOU CAN SUCK.”
Me: “Fuck you, pay me first.”
