"There isn't enough room in your anus because of all the poop."
Me: *exercises for fifteen minutes*
Me: *runs to the kitchen to eat four Pop-Tarts without toasting them*
No where, now. I quit and my last day was yesterday. Feels good. Thanks for asking :)
These older people sitting next to me are, like, shitting their pants in ecstasy over their burritos.
“Oh my GOD. It’s so much better! Mmphh-mmpph-mmph.”
—“I KNOW. You can really taste the difference. Mmmmmmmphh.”
Calm down. It’s just Chipotle.
Sort of cute coworker: “Pablo!”
Sort of cute coworker: “Buddy!”
Sort of cute coworker: “Do you need this?”
Sort of cute coworker: *points to thing I need*
Me: “Yes. And I don’t have any extra, so don’t take it.”
Sort of cute coworker: “Oh, I have extra. EXTRA DICK YOU CAN SUCK.”
Me: “Fuck you, pay me first.”